Today I have a conversation with Marjon, one of Happytoys' regular customers.

"I am a fat woman.

I am a fat woman who has had a lot of great sex, almost exclusively with partners who were much slimmer than me.

When I met my current partner a year ago, I was at my heaviest, about 70 kilos heavier than him. This made our sex life the most extreme in terms of size compared to my previous partners.

Most women I know would not feel comfortable with such a large difference, and girlfriends have sometimes asked me in candid conversations: "How does that work then?"

The short answer? It just works fantastically, and I love it.

There are many misconceptions about how fat people have sex, especially when one partner is fat and the other is not. I would like to discuss this topic, particularly the situation of a fat woman having sex with a slimmer partner.

Note: Sex with fat people is a very important topic (haha). Because my expertise is limited to sex with a size difference as a woman with a vagina, I have chosen not to cover other aspects of sex with fat people, such as the mechanics of sex between two fat people or sex between transgender fat people without a vagina.

I find these topics very important, but because I cannot share those experiences myself, I did not feel comfortable addressing them. I warmly invite anyone with that experience to speak up and contribute if they feel comfortable doing so.

I know many women who would love to have sex with a smaller partner, but feel that it wouldn't work mechanically, that two drastically different bodies couldn't come together pleasurably.

Additionally, many women who have sex with a smaller partner tell me they don't fully enjoy sex because they feel uncomfortable, ashamed, or unfulfilled because they can't let go during sex.

This brings me to what I consider one of the most important aspects of enjoying sex as a fat woman: you have to overcome the idea that your partner doesn't know how fat you are.

Your partner knows, and guess what? They want to have sex with you.

When I was young and plump, I remember trying to contort my body into 'flattering' positions during sex, as if my partner wouldn't notice my belly getting bigger.

I arched my back, refused positions that made me feel 'fat', and covered various parts of my body with a blanket or pillow to hide my increasingly fat body.

Sometimes it made me feel more comfortable, but most of the time it got boring, distracted me from feeling sexy, and greatly annoyed my partner, who just wanted to see his attractive girlfriend naked.

Once I was much fatter than before, I simply refused to turn on the light during sex, for the same reason: "He doesn't know what my body looks like if I don't show him."

Well, he knew darn well how fat I was, and guess what? He still wanted to have sex with me, and what's more, he enjoyed it immensely.

It took a long time for me to realize that my partners had sex with me partly because of what my body looked like, and not despite what my body looked like.

It sounds simple, I know, but when you're told your whole life that fat bodies aren't sexy, it takes a while to realize that being sexy isn't that simple.

This insight doesn't come overnight. In fact, it can take years. But the sooner you learn (yes, learn) to feel sexy as you are, the sooner you can fully enjoy your sexuality. This actually applies to people of all sizes, not just fat women.

You owe it to yourself and your partner to trust that he or she truly desires you and to keep that in mind when you find it hard to let go and feel truly seen during sex. As a good friend of mine put it:

In our culture, we have been taught to fear touching more than an inch of fat and to feel disgust for our belly rolls. Even if we are super cool and feminist and above that kind of self-hatred, sometimes we don't like what we see in the mirror. Sharing your body with another person is an incredibly vulnerable act that can bring up our insecurities. But know this: there is one moment when you should never, ever, be ashamed of your body: during sex. That is the moment to celebrate your body's ability to give and receive pleasure. Don't hold back, but enjoy it when your partner embraces or caresses your belly – soft, voluptuous flesh can be truly arousing. The way a woman's body often carries extra weight – around the belly, hips, thighs – is experienced by many partners as uniquely feminine and extremely erotic. The love handles that you might hide under a hoodie during the day can come out in all their glory at night.

Get started

You need a few things.

First, get some big, firm pillows. Pillows are a plump woman's best friend during sex. Then, find a firm, but springy surface to do it on. Mattresses with a topper and memory foam are often less suitable for sex, as you sink into them instead of bouncing back.

Also, buy a good water-based lubricant, just in case. I've heard a lot about plump women supposedly having "big vaginas," which honestly makes no sense at all. The vagina is inside the body. That's like saying plump women have bigger kidneys just because they're fat. It's nonsense.

What is much more likely is that you will experience the exact opposite: a plump woman's vagina can be difficult to penetrate, especially if it is not well lubricated.

Plump women can have more fatty tissue around the vagina (on the mons pubis and labia) than a slender woman, which can create a potentially awkward situation.

If your partner tries to penetrate your vagina when it is not sufficiently moist or the labia are not properly spread, there may be resistance. If your vagina is well lubricated and you ensure that the labia are well spread, it should not be a problem.

Sex positions for larger people

Not all sex positions are suitable for larger people, and that's okay. Many positions are difficult for everyone except gymnasts, so don't think it's just you because you're too fat. Most people have trouble with those positions.

Personally, I have little to no interest in gravity-defying positions, so that's not a problem for me, but I do miss being able to make love in the spooning position (my buttocks are simply too big for any penis, no matter how gigantic, to reach my vagina in that position).

More than any advice I can give you about where to put pillows, communication with your partner is essential to finding positions that work well for both of you.

You need to talk about your weight, moving it around, trying different positions, and accepting beforehand that it might not work.

A sense of humor is especially helpful when trying new things! You don't have to be ashamed, and hopefully, you have a loving, communicative partner who won't make you feel that way.

I believe that as long as your partner is open to sex, you can experiment together in a productive and positive way.

If your partner doesn't want to talk about your sex life? Well, that's a whole different story, but for now, I give you permission to stop having sex with that person until they are willing and able to make sex pleasurable for you.

Here's how I adapt three standard sex positions to make them suitable for sex with a fuller figure.

1. Missionary position

Depending on the difference in body size between you and your partner, the missionary position can be a breeze or a challenge.

A large belly and thick thighs can get in the way of the regular missionary position; however, you can make the missionary position work for you in a couple of ways.

First, grab those pillows. Place a pillow under your lower back or directly under your butt. Second, pull your knees up and bring your thighs towards your chest.

This gives your partner optimal room to thrust, as your thighs are out of the way in this position and the vagina truly opens for deep penetration.

Moreover, these simple adjustments to the missionary position give you more room to really feel your partner's thrusts! When I was heavier, I couldn't reach past my belly to grab my partner's butt while he was thrusting, which was a shame. When he started moving me a bit, I noticed I could really get a good grip on him and we both enjoyed it immensely.

2. Lying on top

If you remember nothing else of what I have to say, remember this: you will not crush your partner if you lie on top of him or her during sex.

As Hanne Blank states in Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationship Guide for People of Size (And Those Who Love Them): "No, you're not going to crush, suffocate, strangle, destroy, or otherwise injure anyone during sex... even if you're really super fat. Seriously."

I hereby officially give you permission to climb on top of your partner and ride that penis or strap-on until you drop.

Now that we've established that, here's how to make it happen.

First, know that you may need to move your fat until it feels comfortable. When I was heavier, I literally had to lift and shift my belly. The same goes for my thighs. Don't be afraid to do it! Bellies sag and thighs can 'swallow' a smaller partner, so in those cases, it's necessary to adjust your position.

Second, place a pillow under your partner's butt to elevate him or her. This makes it easier to really sit on them. Distribute your weight evenly by placing your hands firmly on the bed instead of sitting upright. This gives you a lot of control.

Another problem many women struggle with when lying on top, besides the fear of crushing their partner, is mobility.

I'm not going to lie, being on top as a fat woman can be physically exhausting and uncomfortable to figure out.

If you find yourself getting tired, let your partner hold you and do all the thrusting from below! That can be a very nice compromise and maximize your time on top.

Finally, once I realized that thrusting down on my partner was actually easier because I was fat, a whole new world opened up to me!

Easier? Yes, I said easier! Look, if you have really big buttocks, you can use the momentum and sheer power of your ass to thrust down on your partner. Something like this.

Come on, girl.

3. Doggy style

Doggy style is a favorite sex position for people with a fuller figure because it gives your partner plenty of space – and your belly doesn't get in the way.

But if you're blessed with a particularly large backside, like me, even doggy style can be a challenge. Personally, I don't find doggy style on all fours as easy as an adapted version where you place your head lower than your butt, like this:

You can further adjust the doggy position by lying with a pillow under your belly, like this:

This position lifts your butt, creating plenty of room for penetration, and it's super comfortable! I highly recommend it.".

***

Hi, Simone again: What I've discussed here isn't all there is to say about sex with a larger woman. I highly recommend the book I mentioned above.

I'd also love to hear from you all.

How have you made sex with a larger woman successful?

What do you find difficult about it?

What do you like about it?

I'm certainly not the only larger woman who enjoys her sex life! Feel free to share your experiences with readers who are struggling with this.