6 reasons to challenge the myth that women who have a lot of sex are 'insecure'.

The other day I was chatting with my friend Fiona, who had just finished reading Peggy Orenstein's new book, Girls & Sex.

Girls & Sex explores the experiences of young women with sex in a culture that simply views female sexuality as a means to gain male approval – and that had left Fiona quite upset.

Fiona has three children. The eldest, Kim, is newly 20. After reading the book, Fiona was convinced that her daughter was about to have the unsatisfying one-night stands Orenstein describes.

"It's so terrifying to think she's going off to college and experiencing such terrible situations with guys, just to feel better about herself," she said.

I tried to reassure her. But I also felt the need to point out to Fiona that while Orenstein's book addresses some very real problems, in some ways it also falls into what the New York Times described as a bit of hand-wringing about the state of young women's sexuality.

Indeed, the more I thought about it, the less convinced I was that Kim had automatically fallen into this path. What evidence did we have that she might fall into this trap? I mean, this was a girl who had spent a semester abroad as a freshman, played on a traveling soccer team, and had a close group of friends.

Why should we assume she had deep-seated insecurities – or that any insecurities she did have would somehow lead to unsatisfying, promiscuous sex?

It's not that Fiona's concerns weren't valid. There are absolutely problems with "hook-up" culture, and it's good for a mother to worry about her daughter's sexuality. But they were also part of a broader view that places the driving force behind a young woman's decision to have sex in insecurity and the need for male validation.

This is partly because many feminists know that dealing with the pressures patriarchy places on young women has led to an epidemic of low self-esteem among this group.

And partly, it is because many feminists are acutely aware that women have long faced not only sexual inequality but also sexual violence. We have been at the forefront of drawing attention to these issues and working towards their eradication.

And since this work is far from complete, we sometimes fall into the trap of applying our knowledge of larger, global problems to the behavior of individuals, even when it's not entirely accurate. While insecurity certainly plays a role in the sexual choices of some young women, it is by no means a universal motivator.

Still not convinced? Here are six reasons why we should challenge the idea that insecurity is the primary reason young women have sex with multiple partners.

1. Glorifying insecurity is just another way to control female sexuality

It's no secret that countless societies throughout history have tried to control female sexuality. And nowhere is that clearer than when it comes to the number of sexual partners a woman has.

Evolutionary psychologists have theorized that this arose from paternal anxiety. But whatever the original reason, the consequences of this model are still strongly felt by countless modern women.

Today, when we identify insecurity as the expected explanation for a young woman's choice to have multiple sexual partners, we perpetuate the historical pattern of denying women the ability to express their sexuality legitimately, other than through a (usually heterosexual) monogamous relationship.

And while the assumption that a young woman might be driven to 'promiscuity' by insecurity might not seem as malicious as many other explanations, it is still harmful.

That's because defaulting to insecurity reinforces the sexual status quo – even among emancipated women who may not be influenced by shaming messages.

Many people know that feminists don't always agree on sex. Disagreements on issues like pornography and the sex industry have long existed.

But the ways in which we sometimes unconsciously collaborate in controlling the sexuality of young women are often more nuanced than one might think. And it is necessary that we notice and address this.

2. Assuming insecurity places a young woman's sexuality in relation to another (usually male) person

The conclusion that young women who have a lot of sex are primarily motivated by insecurity implies that the approval of others is a crucial factor in one's self-image.

But for many people, self-respect and self-acceptance are not solely dependent on external approval.

However, since American women are constantly bombarded with the message that their worth as a person is directly linked to how attractive men find them, it's not surprising that so many people draw this conclusion.

As Jarune Uwujaren writes on this site: "What gets attention is precisely that..."

The way heterosexual men are portrayed largely dictates what you see in the media, and what you see in the media influences people's perceptions of women's worth and attractiveness. The problem with sexy, attention-grabbing photo shoots and the public reaction to them is not that individual women make individual decisions.”

While we absolutely must criticize systems, it often happens that we criticize individuals for their choices.

And this leads us to assume that the primary reason for a young woman to have sex is to please another (presumably a man) and thus gain his approval.

As a result, women are denied the opportunity to express their own sexual autonomy – something generations of feminists have fought for.

3. Blaming insecurity is an example of benevolent sexism

While some young women have sex to boost their self-confidence, using this standard explanation is a form of benevolent sexism.

Benevolent sexism is the phenomenon where discrimination is couched in positive terms, often under the guise of protecting or caring for women. It occurs in many places and is perpetuated by many people, even some feminists.

Such a view paints a picture where sex arises from a fundamental problem that needs to be solved. And once that problem is solved, it would follow that the need for a lot of sex would also disappear.

That is something that, in this ideal picture, is now only seen as something negative.

Of course, many feminists have tried to celebrate women's sexual expression. But some of the ways that has happened in recent years also deserve closer examination.

For example, calls to stop sex-shaming, while commendable, can reinforce the dichotomies between "good" and "bad" women that feminism is trying to dismantle. One consequence of this model can be that if you don't openly embrace sex, you're labeled prudish.

And when those dichotomies are reinforced, we also see the reinforcement of other ideas, such as that young women are motivated to have sex out of... insecurity, even as we hope to respect all women's sexual choices.

4. The relationship between self-esteem and casual sex is complex

Our self-esteem and self-confidence certainly influence our sexual choices. However, the way this manifests differs from person to person.

For example, in one study, female students with a strong body image reported positive attitudes towards casual sex. Other researchers have found a link between high self-esteem and the number of partners people have, regardless of gender.

A recent study showed that for people who feel sexually uninhibited, casual sex can boost their self-confidence, while for those who feel very inhibited, it can have the opposite effect.

The assumption that there can only be one reason for a woman's choices ignores the myriad possibilities that exist.

And when we default to the idea that a young woman has a lot of sex simply because she is insecure, we ignore the fact that she may also do so because she feels confident, is attracted to a wide range of people, or simply doesn't feel bound by traditional conventions about what is sexually appropriate for women.

More and more women are openly discussing the reasons why they have sex, and those reasons often have nothing to do with insecurity.

For example, Corinne Fisher and Krystyna Hutchinson, the hosts of the "Guys We Fucked" podcast, created an entire show with the aim of conveying the message that, as they say in the first episode: "It's okay to have a lot of sex and be proud of it."

And Marrie Lobel, the sex and relationship writer behind the website Dirtyinpublic, explains in an article on debunking myths about female promiscuity: "The assumption that a woman is 'broken' based on how she chooses to express her sexuality says more about how you see yourself than about how she actually is."

Many of the feminist critiques of 'sex-positivity' are incredibly important. For example, I greatly appreciate bell hooks' argument that focusing on the right to sexual activity can ignore the right to refuse sexual activity, or the observation that ideas stemming from male-dominated sexology can inadvertently be presented as feminist viewpoints.

But feminists can also fall into the trap of dismissing voices advocating for sexual liberation as inauthentic or misleading.

5. It is often used in an adultist way

Now that I'm forty, my perspective on how society treats young women no longer stems from my personal marginalization by this label.

But as someone who experienced it myself, I can still vividly remember how it felt to be carelessly dismissed because I supposedly lacked enough life experience or self-insight to truly know what I was talking about.

Indeed, young women are often subjected to adult-oriented messages, which emphasize the power and precedence of adulthood over youth and infantilize them for far too long.

For example, when a young woman says she has sex because she finds it satisfying, fun, or exciting, she is often told that she is not old enough to know what she's talking about. And that she is actually just trying to soothe her insecurity and seek validation in someone else's sexual approval.

This message can provoke anger. And it is one that feminists of all ages need to be aware of in order to truly acknowledge the experiences of young women.

We see this in Girls & Sex, but Peggy Orenstein is certainly not the only feminist who stumbles a bit in this area.

6. Attributing insecurity distorts psychological theories

Thanks to the superficial knowledge many of us have of modern psychology and its role in human sexuality, many people like to play amateur analyst when it comes to sex.

And that's understandable, given that the discipline has given us terms like 'nymphomania' and introduced ideas like 'penis envy' and the Oedipus complex into the collective consciousness.

But while many of us know Sigmund Freud as the originator of these (problematic) views, his theories were not the only ones to leave their mark.

In fact, much of what we think we know about the role of insecurity and promiscuity we owe to a psychologist named Dr. Karen Horney – who is often considered the founder of feminist psychology.

Unlike Freud, Horney addressed the role of society and culture in her work, and throughout the 1930s and 1940s, she developed important theories on anxiety and neuroses.

One of her theories was that people with a childlike need for attention would likely use sex as a substitute for the affection they craved, and that those who moved from one sexual partner to another did so out of insecurity.

In many ways, this was a progressive view of sex, and one that helped shift the perception that promiscuous women were sick "nymphomaniacs" to one where they could have legitimate psychological motivations for their behavior.

But while Horney's theories made an important contribution to understanding female sexuality, like so many other psychological principles, they also became an easy diagnosis, broadly applied to women who fit a certain profile – even if that diagnosis wasn't necessarily accurate.

For many feminists, these theories have provided the necessary authority to challenge harmful views about women's sexual motivations.

After all, it wasn't that long ago that young women were even sent to reformatories just for having sex. So explaining a girl's behavior through psychology can be life-saving.

But despite the important role of such theories, it is equally important to realize that it is time to open the door to the countless other explanations that are equally valid.

Challenging conventional wisdom

The other day I was driving home and heard "What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction on the radio. Without thinking, I started singing along.

But even though I had heard the song so many times that I knew all the words, for the first time I really listened to the lyrics. And as I did, I thought, "Wow, I really hate this song."

In case you've somehow missed it, the song begins with the line "You're insecure / Don't know why" and continues with a chorus that repeats: "You don't know you're beautiful / That's what makes you beautiful."

It's catchy, for sure. But it also perpetuates a long tradition of presenting insecurity not only as an antidote to vanity but also as a generally desirable trait in a woman.

Insecurity, in this view, is feminine, cute, endearing, and harmless.

But insecurity is not insignificant. It can destroy one's self-image and even hinder the most basic functions of life.

Yet, as I realized again that day in the car, insecurity is far too often interpreted positively.

And sometimes that positive interpretation is even accepted by feminists who fall into the trap of seeing insecurity as a more generous explanation for a young woman's sexual choices than the other common arguments.

But the fact that it seems less critical does not mean it is more accurate.

However, it is not only accuracy that is compromised when we view all actions through the same lens. When we assume that the most likely reason for a young woman to have sex is insecurity, we create a dichotomy where low self-esteem is a legitimate, albeit unfortunate, reason to have sex with multiple partners.

And as a result, every other reason is subsequently problematic.

An important part of feminism is continuously criticizing dominant power structures. But sometimes we also need to turn our critical gaze on ourselves.