Interview with Danielle, devoted fan of Happytoys and sexologist

"About a year ago, I met a man I'd been on two dates with. I had turned down the third date because I wasn't really feeling it, but that night I did want someone to sleep next to. So, I accepted his invitation to go home with him, with the agreement that we would just cuddle.

Eventually, we kissed, and I was fine with that. But I didn't think it was okay that he woke me up in the middle of the night to grab a condom without us having discussed it. I kept my legs closed to his advances, and he got the message and gave up.

But the next morning, he was at it again. I let him finger me and told myself it felt pretty good - but not good enough to stay. So I made some noises that were supposed to suggest an orgasm - or at least some kind of TV orgasm.

"Hmm?" he said, as if to ask if that was what he thought.

'Hmm?' I pretended not to know what he was asking, got up and put on my clothes, longing to go back to my own apartment and shower off this experience.

Look, I know I'm not the only one who has ever faked an orgasm.

One study found that among students, half of women and a quarter of men have faked one, and other research suggests that those numbers are increasing over time.

While people of all genders and sexual orientations do this, it seems disproportionately common among women, and even more so among women who sleep with men, due to various societal issues I'll get back to later. Some blame women for this, saying they reinforce bad techniques or encourage dishonesty in their relationships.

In one particular study, women were accused of faking orgasms to "manipulate male behavior" - when in fact the study was about non-orgasmic vocalizations more broadly, which can mean many different things. But as my story shows, it's not that simple. Many women who fake orgasms feel they have no choice.

Of course, I could have abruptly stood up and said, "I'm not into this." But he probably wouldn't have taken that well. Society has taught us to feel uncomfortable with that kind of blunt communication during sex. Society has also taught us that we owe our partners an orgasm. The fact that I felt obligated to have an orgasm for this near-stranger shows how women have been taught that other people, particularly men, own their bodies and their pleasure, real or faked.

Even when we are supposedly the ones experiencing pleasure, we still feel obligated to satisfy our partners first and foremost. And whether that's due to direct pressure from our partners or general societal pressure, we don't feel free to leave before we've fulfilled that obligation. We don't feel free.

Many of the reasons women fake orgasms, like myself, are related to the way patriarchy oppresses women in their own bedrooms. Here are a few.

1. To end it

Given my own experience, I wasn't surprised that a common reason women give for faking orgasms is to have an excuse to leave.

One study even found that women fake orgasms to speed up sex that wasn't consensual.

No one wants to fake an orgasm in such a situation. But the decision is understandable: since these women's partners didn't care whether or not they consented anyway, why would they care if they wanted to stop?

Any means are justified to escape a sexual assault, so how can we judge this?

Whether or not someone considers a negative sexual experience an assault, the desire to stop simply bad sex is also understandable.

We don't live in a culture where everyone accepts someone saying, "I'm not interested anymore" – or where that's easy to say.

We don't learn to communicate during sex, and sometimes we're even taught that it's undesirable to speak up. When women feel that saying something isn't an option, they use the available options to end the sex.

And if faking an orgasm is the only viable option, we can't blame women for it. We must blame those who taught them there was no other way out.

2. We don't want to disappoint our partners

From a young age, women are taught that their pleasure is for others. In this regard, we learn that our orgasms serve a dual purpose: they are exciting and boost our ego.

While women who sleep with all genders are familiar with this feeling, it is especially strong among women who sleep with men, because it is so closely linked to their sense of masculinity and the male gaze.

A recent study found that men imagined a sexual experience and felt more masculine and had higher self-esteem if the woman in the scene had an orgasm.

That places a heavy burden on the shoulders of women who sleep with men. It means we enter the bedroom knowing that if we don't have an orgasm, our partners may experience a diminished sense of self-worth and masculinity.

When we sleep with men who have sex this way, faking an orgasm can be an act of mercy. And it is yet another way in which women are expected to perform emotional labor for men.

Then there's the idea that watching, hearing, or feeling a female orgasm is the ultimate source of pleasure.

In a Women's Health article titled "8 Reasons Why Men Love It When You Orgasm," a man lists reasons like: "We like to feel satisfied. A great orgasm brings us closer together. We get a private show. Your voice sounds amazing at that volume."

The implication is that a female orgasm is a show for men – and if it's more of a quiet fade-out than a spectacle, that's disappointing.

In a Cosmo article titled "8 Reasons Why He Really Wants You To Orgasm – No, Why He *Needs* You To Orgasm," another man writes: "It's a testament to our masculinity. It means we can finally come. We just want to be the best."

And this comes from sources that are supposed to empower us. If you look at men's magazines or porn, female orgasms are only portrayed as sources of pleasure for men.

When we learn all this, pretending to have an orgasm is placed in the same category as touching our partner's genitals or wearing sexy lingerie. We feel like we are depriving them of pleasure if we don't do it.

Some men will really rub it in our faces if we "deny" them this so-called pleasure and badge of honor. See this tweet. Read the thread by Melissa A. Fabello, editor-in-chief of Everyday Feminism, to understand how that can go.

Some even find it annoying if we have an orgasm, but it's not as loud and exaggerated as they had hoped. Read the story by Ginny Brown, a contributor to Everyday Feminism, about her mini-orgasm for an example of this.

Partners like these aren't even looking for an orgasm. They just want the appearance of an orgasm – or, more specifically, the kind of orgasm they fantasize about. By faking it, we're just giving them what they want.

3. We've been taught that orgasms are obligatory

Magazines, movies, and everyday conversations teach us that an orgasm is the goal of sex, and if we don't have one, we've had bad sex.

So, if we feel guilty because our partners are trying to push us to a point we just won't reach, we might fake an orgasm as a way of saying it's okay to stop.

Saying "It's okay to stop" should always be acceptable, but not everyone will take it well. Not all partners understand that you can stop before an orgasm and still experience the encounter as good.

The view of sex as a race to an orgasm reflects the way Western capitalist society is fixated on achieving goals. Whether it's sex or a career, we are taught that every journey must have a destination, and it's the destination that matters.

If sex seems like a journey without a destination, both we and our partners can feel like we've failed. Faking an orgasm can save a couple this feeling of failure.

4. Sometimes there's simply no chance we'll actually have an orgasm

Some of the other reasons on this list could simply be reasons why women *could* have an orgasm, were it not for the regrettably low number of women who receive the attention they need for it.

A recent study found that heterosexual women have the fewest orgasms: 65% reported usually having one, compared to 95% of heterosexual men. If the main reason for this were physiological, we would probably expect the numbers to be the same for people of different sexual orientations. But in fact, 86% of lesbian women and 89% of gay men usually have an orgasm.

So it seems the orgasm gap largely has to do with the fact that many male partners don't give women the necessary stimulation.

It's easy to understand why, given that sex education teaches us very little (or nothing) about pleasure that isn't solely for cisgender men. And the media is full of myths about women's orgasms, such as the idea that they should occur through penetration.

And aside from education, we've been taught to prioritize men's pleasure. This leads to less attention for women and other gender identities and disproportionately more attention for men. People of all gender identities can reinforce this double standard.

Combine that with the discomfort many people experience with communicating in the bedroom, and it's a wonder that so many cis women orgasm with their partners.

***

I'm happy to say that the scenario I described at the beginning of this article is the only time I've faked it. Not happy because I'm proud of myself, but happy because it means I've been in a good situation ever since. That is, my partner pays attention to what I like, is willing to spend time with me, and doesn't take it personally if I don't have an orgasm. These things are not a given. If I were in a different situation, I might fake it, and perhaps that would be better.

Yes, it's true that faking an orgasm doesn't teach someone how to actually have one. But that's not our responsibility. And many women feel that their partners wouldn't even care if they tried to teach them. Not everyone wants their partner to climax. Some just want the benefits they get from it. The result: the ego boost, the show, the permission to stop – minus the orgasm itself.

This is yet another way we are taught that our bodies are not our own. We are socialized to ignore our own pleasure, put on a show, and do whatever it takes to satisfy our partners, especially if they are men. So, fake orgasms are exactly the kind of orgasms women are taught: without sexual pleasure, full of emotional effort, and focused on the male gaze. Instead of asking why women fake orgasms, perhaps we should ask how women manage to have real orgasms. That's quite remarkable, given that it goes against (cissexist) gender norms that say we have no sexuality, that we should be selfless in bed, and that our bodies are "too complicated."

Yet we do it, because many of us happily feel deep down that all of this is sexist nonsense. To stop faking orgasms, our partners must also realize this: Stop pretending our orgasms are just for you, and appreciate our genuine pleasure.

As long as you continue to demand a romanticized, seductive, and ultimately fake version of our pleasure, don't be angry if we give you what you asked for."