an interview with Mark: a fervent fan of Happytoys.

"I have always had a negative relationship with sex. I discovered masturbation early, around age six or seven. I used masturbation, combined with my vivid imagination and constant daydreaming, as a way to escape the loneliness and isolation I felt not only at home but also at school.

Television, movies, and books fed my daydreams and broadened my mind. As the child of divorced parents, I never really had an example of a healthy romantic or sexual relationship during my youth.

My parents never talked to me about sex, so I had no idea what it was all about when it came to sex, beyond what I saw on TV and in movies. Add to that the countless instances of sexual abuse over the years and my predisposition to addiction, and it left me completely incapable of forming a solid and meaningful relationship, sexual or otherwise.

I was completely lost. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, because I was so used to putting on a mask for everyone. I used sex to feel powerful, to numb myself, and to be in control.

I was a complete intimacy anorexic. I wanted to be loved, but I wasn't willing to love anyone. I wanted to be adored. I wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I could get anyone I wanted, so they would absolutely adore me – which then led me to pretend to be someone I wasn't.

I stopped taking care of myself, and my mental health was at an all-time low. Eventually, I hit rock bottom and accepted that I had a problem. I wasn't "just enjoying having a lot of sex," because I didn't even enjoy it. I immediately became detached during sexual situations and usually wished it was over. And that brings me to my first point:

1. Sex addiction is more than just wanting sex all the time

I have been in contact with other sex addicts. While we may have similarities, we are not all the same. Our addictions manifest themselves in different ways.

We are not all perverse nymphomaniacs. There are porn addicts, love addicts, sex addicts who indulge their desires with prostitutes, sex addicts who act out in public, sex addicts who indulge their desires solely through excessive masturbation, and the list goes on.

Sex addiction should never be used as an excuse for heinous acts like assault, and anyone who does so does not represent all sex addicts. It is also important to emphasize that someone who enjoys sex a lot is not necessarily a sex addict.

2. Being "sober" in the context of sex addiction is not as simple as not having sex.

Our addictions manifest themselves in different ways, and intimacy and the desire for love in any form are fundamental human needs. Being sober means something different for everyone in recovery.

There are sex addicts who have found that they can no longer have sex at all without relapsing into unhealthy habits. For others, it may be necessary to take a break from sex and/or masturbation and porn for a while, until they are able to form healthy relationships.

Ultimately, our recovery is a personal journey to discover who we are, what we like, and how we want to be treated sexually and intimately.

3. You can be a sex addict and be sexually abused/bullied.

This connects to my first point about the misunderstanding that sex addicts want sex all the time. That may be true for some, but not for everyone.

Even if someone wants sex all the time, that does not absolve someone of the need for consent.

4. When I say I am a sex addict, I am not trying to pick you up or "be cute," so please don't act like it's a pick-up line.

When I or someone else tells you about their sex addiction, we are trying to set boundaries. We are taking a step to improve ourselves and our interaction with others. Please respect that.

If you think it's a pick-up line or a way of flirting, it can be uncomfortable, because I've shared something very personal and your reaction was essentially to disregard what I told you. That's a HUGE red flag for me.

5. It is possible to be sex- and kink-positive and be "sober."

I believe that sobriety means maintaining a positive and healthy relationship with sex, whatever that looks like.

Before I recovered, I had sex that I didn't really enjoy. So when I went into recovery and took a break from sex, I didn't know what I felt like anymore. Seriously.

I was so used to doing what the other person wanted that I didn't even know what I wanted myself. I didn't even know if I wanted sex at all anymore.

I identify as aromantic and polyamorous, and it took me a while to realize that. I have also found that I am naturally more dominant/switch. During my recovery, I have met other polyamorous people, and that has made me realize that I don't have to adhere to heteronormative relationship norms to be sober.

Being sober can be positive towards kinks and sex, as long as it is healthy and consensual. You should embrace your kink and not be ashamed of it. That is essential for developing a healthy relationship with sex.

***

My advice to you

The most important thing for people in recovery or for those seeking help is to allow yourself to feel. Feel your feelings. If you spend so much time trying to run away from your feelings or suppress them, you won't be able to deal with them when they are there, and you won't be able to distinguish what is real and what is not, what is healthy and what is unhealthy, until one day you feel nothing at all.

It's something I work on every day now. It's hard to deal with that discomfort, and sometimes I just want to run away, but I am a million times happier and more fulfilled with my life than ever before. And I hope you all experience that too."

Addition from Simone:

If you or someone you know thinks they have a sex addiction, I strongly encourage you to contact a mental health professional..."