Simone talks to Daphne, a self-aware and confident woman who is polyamorous.

"Most people would consider themselves very lucky to have found one partner with whom they have a deep connection. That's why I consider myself exceptionally lucky to have two such partners – two completely fulfilling, wonderful, and healthy relationships that bring a lot of love and warmth into my life.

There is an alternate universe where people don't ask me questions like: "So you just want to sleep with everyone?" or "Isn't that unfair to both of them?" There is an alternate universe where people have no problem with me being able to love two people at once. As consenting adults, it shouldn't be a surprise that we can (thankfully) make this work, as long as we communicate openly and honestly with each other.

But for most people, it IS a surprise.

Because monogamy is the norm in this society, my polyamorous identity is confusing and, for some, even unacceptable.

However, that attitude is very understandable if you consider some of the myths we are told about monogamy.

Firstly, monogamy is portrayed as the ultimate expression of love – an unbreakable commitment and investment in your one 'true' love. It's a commitment that is considered purer, healthier, and more ethical, despite the fact that there's plenty of evidence that not every monogamous relationship works that way.

There are many messages about monogamy that not only put it on a pedestal but also demonize any other relationship style that doesn't fit into this very narrow framework. This harms non-monogamous people, like me, who struggle to find acceptance. It also harms everyone (monogamous or not) who lets society dictate the rules, instead of writing their own rules with their partner(s).

Here are four of the myths I hear most often about monogamy – and why they are so problematic.

1. Monogamy prevents jealousy and cheating

People in a monogamous relationship are jealous. People in a monogamous relationship cheat. And guess what? So do people in a non-monogamous relationship. Jealousy and dishonesty can occur in any relationship, regardless of where the boundaries lie.

Monogamy used to be a kind of security blanket for me. I felt safe in the knowledge that my partner could only be with me and that I would never be confronted with the reality of him or her being emotionally or physically attracted to someone else.

But I soon realized that monogamy didn't really protect me from feelings of jealousy or magically make my partner unattractive to other people – it just made it easier to ignore or not confront it.

When I was in monogamous relationships, I took the important conversations that needed to be had about what I was and wasn't comfortable with for granted. This ultimately meant that much remained unsaid, and that only led to hurt feelings.

Monogamy as protection is an illusion, because boundaries don't change how we feel and whether we choose to respect the boundaries we have set. Cheating is not the same as non-monogamy, just as loyalty is not the same as monogamy. Cheating is about dishonesty – not respecting boundaries, whether between two people or more – and that can happen in any kind of relationship.

Some of my worst experiences with betrayal happened in monogamous relationships. This is because betrayal is associated with dishonesty, not necessarily with having other partners or relationships.

But if we assume that monogamy protects us from cheating and jealousy – that the rules are self-evident and therefore not to be forgotten – then that does not encourage us to have explicit and open conversations about our feelings and boundaries.

If we stopped treating monogamy as a universally accepted norm, and instead emphasized the importance of honest communication between partners, all our relationships could be stronger.

2. Monogamy is better for sexual health

When I say I'm non-monogamous, it's often assumed that I don't care about my sexual health. But I do!

I use contraception, I get tested regularly, and there is open communication between everyone involved. And research shows that non-monogamous people are actually pretty good at all of the above.

There's an idea that non-monogamy is somehow 'dirty' because it involves multiple partners. But the number of partners isn't necessarily the determining factor – it's about sexual behavior. The reality is that monogamous people who cheat are much less likely to use contraception or tell their partner directly.

And it's not surprising that this leads to serious sexual health consequences.

When it comes to health, demonizing non-monogamy does not contribute to protecting health. It fundamentally misinterprets the issue. We should acknowledge how things like inadequate sex education and limited access to sexual healthcare seriously harm health – and not stigmatize non-monogamy or people with STIs.

Sexual health should not be a moral issue. It is a health issue, and it affects everyone – monogamous, non-monogamous, and everything in between.

3. Is monogamy inherently natural and ethical?

Natural? No, no, no. Let me interrupt you there. There's plenty of research that shows the opposite. And even if there wasn't, the fact that things are "obvious" to us doesn't necessarily mean they're better for us.

I think the question of whether monogamy is natural is a pointless discussion. Better questions for you: "Is monogamy or non-monogamy for me? Am I open to something different? What are my other options? Does this work for me? Does this work for my partner(s)?"

Instead of wondering what is natural, shouldn't we focus on what is healthy?

In our relationships, we should feel respected and loved. That requires a conscious effort on our part to communicate our expectations, boundaries, needs, and desires. How we achieve that is a much more valuable conversation.

Furthermore, I want to resist the idea that monogamy is somehow more ethical. When I think about my personal ethics in relationships, I strongly focus on ensuring that everyone I have a relationship with feels valued, loved, and safe – that is my ethic as a polyamorous person, and I am constantly in dialogue with my partners to ensure that my actions are in line with that ethic.

I have always prioritized consent. I have prioritized healthy boundaries. I have prioritized open communication. And I know many monogamous people who prioritize the same things. So our ethics may not be as different as we've been told.

It is harmful to assume that non-monogamous people have no morals. Your morals are not linked to the number of partners you have – your morals are reflected in how you treat them.

We need to stop prescribing a certain morality to monogamy or non-monogamy and instead focus on how we can ensure that our relationships are safe and healthy for everyone involved, no matter how many people that is.

4. Monogamous relationships are deeper and more serious

Some monogamous people treat love like a formula – as if it's a finite resource that you divide among your partners. According to that logic, having multiple partners means you love each of them less, because you have less love to distribute.

I find this really strange. I have two parents, but I would never say that my relationship with them is somehow less valuable because there are two. I wouldn't say that my love for one compromises or threatens my love for the other. And I would say this applies to my friends, my family members, my partners, and even pets.

I have two partners whom I adore. And I just don't see those relationships as "competing," fighting for my attention, as if my love is a very limited resource. I find the idea that I can't love two people deeply at the same time insulting, because it suggests that monogamy is the ultimate expression of love, as if the way I love is less valuable or beautiful because it's not limited to one relationship.

I also think that hierarchies can arise in relationships, whether they are platonic, romantic, or sexual.

Some of us value certain relationships above others. Some of us have closer bonds than others. That's not exclusive to people who are non-monogamous.

My polyamorous ethic says that I am open to any relationship that can develop in a way that feels right for everyone involved (and, of course, with mutual consent). And while it can be a balancing act, the sincerity and intensity of my love are not compromised by having multiple partners.

Just as with friends or family, I have the capacity to harbor deep feelings for more than one person. I think almost anyone can.

***

Monogamy doesn't protect us from jealousy and infidelity. It doesn't guarantee sexual health. It's not purer, more moral, more loving, or deeper. Monogamy is, simply put, one of many (equally valid!) ways to form a relationship.

It is very harmful to non-monogamous people when we suggest that monogamy is inherently better. We not only trivialize and demonize their relationships, but we also make it incredibly difficult for them to be accepted in a society that considers monogamy the norm.

This also has consequences in daily life. Our inability to recognize the myriad ways people shape their relationships ultimately creates barriers to legal protections, including in areas of marriage, housing, and parenthood.

I want to live in a world where having two fantastic partners is not seen as something strange or awful. I want to live in a world where no assumptions are made about my morals, my sexuality, or my worth based on how I structure my relationships. I want to live in a world where we celebrate the beautiful love we share – and don't demonize it.

Or at least a world where everyone minds their own business and it's not such a big deal.

That would be nice too.