“I was young when I discovered masturbation, and I was having orgasms long before I knew what it was.”

(as told by a Happytoys.nl customer)

Nothing seemed complicated. I just rubbed "down there" for a few minutes, and it happened. But later, magazines, comedy sketches, and sitcoms taught me that my body—and vaginas in general—were mysterious and complex, often too complex for people without vaginas to understand.

It confirmed what I'd been taught: orgasms with a partner weren't as easy as they were on my own. That's to be expected, to a certain extent. There's a learning curve when you meet someone new. But what surprised me was that not everyone seemed so eager to learn.

“Sorry,” I apologized (unnecessarily) to a partner because I thought it was taking too long.

“It’s okay. I know it’s harder for girls,” he said – and then stopped.

Besides the lack of effort I experienced with some (but not all) partners, it became harder for me to achieve orgasm when I started taking SSRI antidepressants. When I told my doctor, she said, "Oh, that's difficult for many women anyway."

I'd known my body long enough to know it wasn't because I was a woman, but others didn't share my view that the problem was solvable. I became reluctant to discuss it with partners for fear that it would be too demanding to ask them to perform the supposedly impossible task of making a woman climax.

An orgasm doesn't have to be the goal of sex, but if a woman wants one, she should have as much right to ask for it as anyone else.

When people say women's bodies are harder—and these generalizations usually refer to cis women and are accompanied by tirades about how complicated vaginas are—they're teaching cis women that orgasm is too much of a feat.

Trans women also face a range of sexual stigmas, which Kai Cheng Thom describes here, though these fall outside the scope of this article. Furthermore, while most research on orgasm inequality focuses on cis women, trans and non-binary people with vaginas can also relate to the frustrations that arise when taught that their genitals are incomprehensible.

The perception that cis women are hard to please perpetuates what sociologists call the “orgasm gap,” where men have three orgasms for every one a woman has, and 57% of women have an orgasm during all or most of their sexual encounters, but 95% say their partners do too.

These statistics seem to confirm the stereotype that women's bodies are more complex, but other factors are also at play.

As sociologist Lisa Wade notes, the orgasm difference is contingent. Lesbians report reaching orgasm 74.7% of the time, only 10 percentage points less than gay men. Moreover, women masturbate to orgasm in less than four minutes on average.

If these statistics don't convince you that there's more to the orgasm difference than just biology, here are twelve cultural factors that contribute.

1. Women are believed to be less sexual

The idea is that women are not that concerned with sex.

They may enjoy it, but the general perception is that they do it partly in exchange for validation, a committed relationship, or financial support. As long as a woman receives one of these things, she doesn't need much from the sex itself.

On the contrary, much research and experience indicates that women are just as capable of wanting and enjoying sex as men.

Until we acknowledge this, we won't make it a priority to make sex as enjoyable as possible for women, because we'll believe that sexual pleasure is less important to them.

It's not necessarily because women themselves believe in myths about their gender and ignore their desires because they're supposedly not allowed to have them. If they do, they and their partners miss out on balanced sexual interactions, not to mention the pleasure.

2. Pornography favors male pleasure

Most people who have seen pornographic films know that they usually end with a "money shot" where the man climaxes, after which the scene ends. Most orgasms shown in pornographic films, which focus on the woman, are merely incidental events on the way to the man's pleasure.

Additionally, most mainstream porn scenes feel incomplete without oral sex, while cunnilingus is less common.

All in all, the message is clear: it is essential for a man to have an orgasm, and if a woman can also achieve this, then that is a bonus, but it is only an extra.

3. The myth of 'blue balls' persists

According to Urban Dictionary, "blue balls" is "the excruciating pain a man experiences when his testicles swell to the size of coconuts from lack of sex, unfinished oral sex, and simply not climaxing when he knows he should."

The sense of entitlement reflected in this description is characteristic of most uses of the term "blue balls." While vasoconstriction, the accumulation of blood in the genitals, can sometimes cause mild pain in people with any genitals, this is not what men are usually referring to when they talk about "blue balls."

It's clear they're suffering from "blue balls." Whether they're experiencing this or simply sexual frustration, it's never anyone else's job to alleviate it.

While most women know that an erection that doesn't lead to orgasm isn't a medical condition, many of us feel guilty about not being able to achieve one. So, in addition to the lack of effort some men put into satisfying women, the pressure many women feel to please men perpetuates the orgasm gap.

4. There is more information in the media about pleasing cis men than women

As a teenager, my secret guilty pleasure was buying copies of Cosmo at the drugstore and hiding them under my pillow to read at night.

I read all their sex articles simply because I found anything sexually arousing, but along the way, I learned all sorts of tricks to please men—and cis men in particular. By the time I encountered a real penis, I already knew all the basic tricks, plus a few bizarre ones that my male friends advised me against trying.

I don't know what most teenage boys secretly read, but few mainstream men's magazines are as obsessed with pleasing women as women's magazines are with pleasing men. In fact, I've heard of boys sneaking a peek at Playboy, which is also focused on pleasing men.

Perhaps this explains why 25% of men and 30% of women cannot locate the clitoris on a diagram.

Amidst all the advice we read about different ways to hold and touch a penis, many are left in the dark about vulvas and vaginas.

5. Hookup culture favors male pleasure

"I'll do anything to make the person I'm with come," said one woman in a study by Elizabeth Armstrong on casual sex in college. But when it came to their own pleasure, women had different expectations.

“The man more or less expects to come, while the woman doesn't expect anything,” said one woman in another study by Lisa Wade.

One man in Armstrong's study boasted, "I'm all about giving her an orgasm," but when asked to clarify the word "her," he added, "Girlfriend her. On a casual date, I don't care." Perhaps he sensed that women don't expect much from their casual dates.

Statistics about female orgasms reflect this attitude.

The ratio of orgasms in men to women is 3.1:1 during a first sexual encounter, but only 1.25:1 in a relationship.

For whatever reason, hookup culture seems to have embraced the media's message that orgasms are optional for women, while orgasms are obligatory for men.

6. Sex education teaches us nothing about pleasure, especially not about female pleasure

Like many schools in the US, my school only dedicated a few days a year to sex education in middle and high school. During the first few puberty lessons, the section for women covered menstruation, and the section for men covered erections, ejaculation, and wet dreams.

Our bodies were already associated with having children, while boys' bodies were associated with sexual arousal and pleasure.

Later, we learned how to use a condom—and how to follow a very standard procedure. You put it on, we were told, then you have sex, then someone ejaculates, then you pull out and take it off. Men's orgasms, but not women's, were incorporated into our safe sex lessons.

No one said, “then you stop whenever you want” or “your partner might want you to pull out” (because, contrary to what we see in porn, not every woman is multi-orgasmic and many women have a refractory period, so we can’t all comfortably keep going until our partner wants to stop).

This is a sneaky way we learn to prioritize men's pleasure without ever actually learning anything about pleasure.

7. Self-evaluative thoughts can disrupt women's arousal process

The emphasis on women's appearance in mainstream porn and the media teaches women to imagine themselves during sex.

"What does my stomach look like from this angle?", "Does my face look sexy or crazy with this expression?" and "Would it be sexier if I made more noise?" are a few thoughts that have distracted me in the bedroom.

And I don't think I'm alone: ​​32% of women say that when they don't have an orgasm, it's often because they're stuck in their head or focused on their appearance.

The orgasm itself can become a source of performance anxiety.

Because women's orgasms are dramatized in porn and the media, with exaggerated cries and calculated facial expressions, some women feel so much pressure that the fear of not climaxing prevents them from reaching their climax. This pressure can also lead women to fake orgasms instead of holding on for a real one.

Once again, women's magazines don't help.

Cosmo even offers a guide on "how to look even more attractive naked." While "even" implies the reader already looks attractive, the bedroom workout routine and self-tanner tips make it clear that we don't look as attractive as we could—and even if we do, then...

The focus is still on our partner's pleasure, not on what we see or feel.

Thoughts about how partners perceive their bodies place women outside their bodies, as if they're looking at them from within, rather than experiencing the sensations that sexual activity produces. It's difficult to have an orgasm when you're not even thinking about sex.

8. Sexual trauma can hinder arousal and orgasm

It's very common for women to experience sexual trauma in their lives. One in six women has been a victim of attempted or completed rape.

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, this trauma can have lasting consequences for a person's sex life.

Sexual violence can rob you of the pleasure of sex and make any kind of intimacy feel frightening. Some survivors experience feelings of detachment or dissociation during sex. Others can be easily triggered by being touched in certain places or ways.

Marin advises survivors to seek therapy or a support group so they don't have to deal with the consequences of their past alone.

In the short term, according to Marin, it can help to remind yourself that you're with your partner, not the person who abused you. This can reduce trauma-related sexual problems. "Of course, your brain knows it's [the other person], but this practice can help relax the more subconscious parts of your psyche," she writes.

Other emotions that women disproportionately experience around sex, such as guilt and shame, can also lead to anorgasmia.

9. More women than men use antidepressants

SSRI antidepressants, such as Prozac and Zoloft, can cause anorgasmia. This side effect isn't gender-specific, but the antidepressants themselves are.

Between 2001 and 2010, 25% of American women (but only 15% of men) were prescribed medication for mental health conditions.

This may be because women are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, both of which are often treated with SSRIs, the medication class most known for causing anorgasmia. There are many theories about the cause, but one possible source of this disparity is societal misogyny.

As Ally Boghun writes about her anxiety, “A lot of the stressors that affect me the most are actually stressors that society imposes on women to look and act a certain way.” Furthermore, women are more likely to seek therapy because toxic norms of masculinity prevent men from discussing their emotions.

This is a case where the orgasm difference may be related to biological differences, but the causes of these differences still lie within society.

10. Women are discouraged from asking for what they want

Women are taught to accommodate the wishes of others and put their own aside, to be kind, polite, and grateful, and not to ask for more, whether that be food, payment, or sexual pleasure.

To quote Armstrong's research, one woman said she didn't have the "right" to ask for an orgasm and "almost felt guilty, like I was forcing [men] to do something they didn't want to do and I felt bad about it."

I recognize this: I've often apologized for asking for or giving myself the stimulation I wanted, for taking what I felt was too long, and for receiving pleasure without giving it back right away.

The same fear that keeps women from speaking up during work meetings or salary negotiations also keeps us from making our voices heard in bed.

But as long as we don't dare to openly express our opinions without encountering hostility, women can't solve this problem alone in any domain. It's also up to our partners, colleagues, and others to make it clear that they're willing to listen to our wishes and take them into account.

11. The current definition of sex is not optimal for many women's orgasms

When someone says “sex,” most people think of penetration, even though it means very different things to different people.

For example, some couples consider oral sex to be sex. Some consider oral or manual sex to be on the same level as penetrative sex, but this is still not the norm.

For example, when someone talks about losing her virginity, we usually assume she's talking about the first time she had penetrative sex.

This assumption can be problematic for women who reach orgasm more easily through other activities.

In one study, 20% of women reported rarely or never having an orgasm during intercourse. Only 25% said they did so consistently. In another study, 38% said a common problem for not achieving an orgasm was "insufficient clitoral stimulation."

Because penetrative sex often doesn't directly stimulate the clitoris, this could explain why other forms of sex—or clitoral stimulation during intercourse, which women considered the most common way to achieve orgasm with a partner—may be more optimal.

When we view the activities that often help women reach orgasm as a warm-up or an extra, we undervalue women's pleasure.

12. People think the orgasm gap is biologically determined

Orgasm

Inequality is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When men believe a woman's body is an unsolvable puzzle, they don't try to solve it. The same goes for women who have been taught that their own pleasure is unattainable.

That's why it's important that we acknowledge all the societal factors that contribute to this discrepancy. Genetics can't be changed, but many of these problems can, meaning it's possible to close the orgasm gap.

***

If you're a woman having trouble reaching orgasm, it's probably not your fault. It's also not necessarily your partner's negligence. You might just need to talk about it, challenge the myths you've learned about sexuality, and, if necessary, seek help for any mental or medical conditions that might be contributing to the problem.

Or maybe it's not a problem at all. Maybe you don't care about orgasm, and that's your choice. But if you want it yourself, you have just as much right to ask for it as your partner does. If he expects an orgasm from you, he shouldn't have a problem with you wanting one too.

It's not too much to ask, and your anatomy isn't that complicated. The only complication is the toxic flood of messages we're exposed to about sexuality. But that's not your fault or your body's.