Whether you're an aspiring dominatrix or a submissive bottom, you might feel a little nervous about trying a strap-on dildo for the first time.
If you know your partner already loves it, half the work is already done. Now it's time to figure out if this kink is for you and build your confidence to put it on.
Is a strap-on for you?
When someone asks me what to do if they don't feel like doing something their partner wants, I always start with the same question: what do you find so off-putting about it?
The reason I start there is that I believe there's no one-size-fits-all answer. For some people, trying something new, like introducing sex toys into the relationship, is a good idea. Maybe you'll discover you like it. Maybe you'll conclude it's not for you, but that's not a disaster; you can always try something else later. Perhaps you'll find you enjoy how it makes your partner feel, even if it's not your thing. And the only way to find out is to just try it.
On the other hand, there are plenty of good reasons not to try it. Maybe it triggers a certain reaction in you. Maybe you have a strong reaction to it. Maybe you just don't want to do it. And I never want to force anyone to do something sexual they don't want to do.
That's why I start with that question. What's your reason for not finding a strap-on appealing? Do you dislike anal sex? Do you think men who undergo anal penetration are not masculine? Do you find it looks weird? Are you afraid of hurting him or do you not know what to do? Your decision about what to do or not to do can change if you examine your reasons.
Understanding why your partner finds strap-ons appealing
It's also worth asking what exactly excites them about it. Some partners enjoy strap-ons purely for the physical sensations. Others find it a form of power play, similar to BDSM, and enjoy feeling sexually submissive. (Note: penetration does not have to be an act of submission.) Some people like to play with and explore gender roles.
You might find some of these reasons off-putting, but unless you know your partner has those motivations, there's no reason to let them deter you. For example, if they simply enjoy it for the sensation and you're put off by the idea of them being submissive, that's not a problem, because that's not part of the game for them.
My favorite way to discuss this is by asking: "What exactly do you find so appealing about it?" Have that conversation in a non-sexual setting, not as part of flirting or sexy talk. It's a genuine question, and arousal puts us in an altered state of consciousness, which might prevent you from getting the information you need.
How to use a strap-on dildo?
If you decide to try a strap-on, it's much more fun if you know what you're doing. My book, 'The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure,' contains everything you need to discover the male G-spot, including an entire chapter on strap-ons. The book's website also offers plenty of information to get you started. The more you know, the more ways there are to experience pleasure!
Regarding the choice of toys and strap-ons, we recommend a smaller toy with a flared base that fits into a strap-on dildo harness, and of course, high-quality, skin-friendly materials, so you can focus on discovering new forms of pleasure.
When experimenting in the bedroom, confidence is always key. Try to let go of your thoughts and be open to new experiences. Whether you decide it's not for you or you genuinely enjoy strap-ons for whatever reason, it's an invitation to a deeper form of intimacy with your partner and with yourself.
