Today Simone has a conversation with sex coach Irma...

As a sex coach, I often get asked questions like: "I'd really like to try this. How can I talk to my partner about it and convince them to try it too?"

Perhaps you've discussed a threesome with a good friend, but what about your partner? Or if you want to try out a particular fetish or kink, or even if it's just a new sexual act, like anal sex.

Sharing a new sexual desire can feel very scary and vulnerable. What if your partner laughs at you? What if they think you're a bad person for wanting this? What if they can never look at you the same way again?

Our culture – and many cultures worldwide – imposes so much shame on sexuality. Everyone is expected to be 'normal,' meaning they want certain things and find other things disgusting and unnatural. The truth, as anyone who has delved into sexuality can tell you, is that there's an enormous range of 'normal' sexual preferences.

As long as the sexual act doesn't violate someone's consent, there's nothing wrong or perverse about sexual desires that deviate from the narrow spectrum of what's considered 'normal' in a given society – and they're much more common than most people think.

The freedom to explore and express our sexual interests isn't really that strange, is it? The whole idea that you could be a 'bad' person because you have a sexual desire goes against what we know to be true: that sexuality and desire don't fit within society's oppressive and narrow ideas. So you don't deserve those judgments.

We prioritize consent, which means we must not cross someone's sexual boundaries. Too often, I've seen one partner coerce another into trying something they don't want. That's sexual coercion, and it's not okay.

So, when we start a conversation about a new interest, we need to find a delicate balance between recognizing our right to have the desires we have and giving our partner enough space to express their own feelings and desires about it. Then, we need to work together to find the best solution for both of us.

It's quite a task, but here are a few steps that might help.

1. Get comfortable with your desires

Before you even begin a conversation with your partner, you need to feel comfortable with the desire you have. Otherwise, you'll go into the conversation needing their approval or validation that it's okay for you to want this. That's an unfair burden on someone who may not have even thought about it until you bring it up! And you need to know that your feelings are valid, regardless of how your partner reacts. Therefore, first look for sources of affirmation for yourself. BDSM and polyamory have large online communities where you can read stories of people whose relationships and self-image have vastly improved. For every specific sexual act or sex toy, you can certainly find articles online from people who love it (you'll probably also find articles from people who hate it – nothing is for everyone!). It's also important to look inward. Do you believe this is good for you? Does thinking about it make you happy? Those feelings are valid! You have the right to pursue a sex life that satisfies you, even if others don't understand it. Feel free to stick that on your mirror, if you wish. In a world that tries to shame us for every deviation from sexual 'norms' (even if many of those sexual norms are quite harmful and contrary to consent), it's important to reiterate this. You have the right to lead a sex life that satisfies you.

2. Accept that they may also have other desires, and perhaps not yours

Here's the flip side of the affirmation I just gave: your partner isn't obligated to fulfill your desires. They also have a right to a healthy and satisfying sex life, and sometimes their desires will be very different from yours. Sometimes, when we find something that truly satisfies us, we become almost evangelical about it. 'If only more people knew!' we think. 'If more people saw how wonderful this is, they'd be so much happier!' It's very natural to go from "This is bad, no one should do this" to "This is great, everyone should do this!" It's much harder to stick to our own experience, to say: "This is great for me. I should do this."

You don't know how others will feel about it."

This even applies to things considered “normal”. Some people don’t enjoy oral sex. Some people find that getting married and settling down isn’t for them. Nothing suits everyone. You don’t have to figure out how your partner feels about this desire, or if it's good for them. That’s their job, and they may not know until they’ve thought about it. Your only job is to give them the space and information they need to figure it out for themselves.

3. Recognize any inequalities that might create a power imbalance

In an ideal world, we could talk to our partners about our wants and needs and trust that they would advocate just as strongly for their own wants and needs.

Unfortunately, this isn't an ideal world. Social inequalities mean that one partner often feels they have less power in the relationship, including less freedom to say 'no' to something they genuinely don't want. Women dating men, for instance, often feel they don't have the right to say 'no' due to how they've been raised. Women are socialized to cater to men's needs and desires. Their partners need to consciously create space where they can express their feelings. Racial inequality, mental health conditions, physical disabilities, bisexuality, and income inequality can also create power imbalances in a conversation about changes in your relationship or sex life.

The last thing you want is for your partner to agree to something, not because they want to, but because they feel they can't say 'no,' or because they can't afford to lose your support. This conversation should be about working together to fulfill both your desires, not about one of you using their power to get the other to agree to something.

4. Talk about the surrounding desires, not just the desire itself

I don't believe that all sexual desires have a deep psychological secret meaning behind them. However, I do believe that in many cases, a specific sexual desire – for example, the wish to try group sex, or bondage, or to install a sex swing – is more like a school of fish than a single whale.

What does that mean?

A school of fish moves as one larger organism but consists of a group of individual fish. A sexual desire can also consist of a series of individual wishes that come together for you in one burning desire.

For example, for one person, the desire to try group sex might consist of: a low-threshold opportunity to experience contact with someone of the same sex, excitement at the idea of watching and being watched during sex, the need to feel sexually adventurous after years of routine, and the appeal of how cool it would sound to tell friends they did that.

For another person, the desires that form an interest in group sex might be totally different. The aversion to a particular sexual act can also consist of a series of individual wishes. Suppose your partner is immediately resistant to the idea of group sex. For them, that could mean: performance anxiety, not enjoying sex with new people, and the fear that this is just a stepping stone to a breakup. When you focus on the big desire – the school of fish as a whole – you're likely to get stuck in an impasse of "I want this"/"I don't want this." If you can talk about the needs, wants, and desires behind everyone's feelings, you'll understand each other better and can work together to find a solution that meets both your needs.

5. Respond to their 'yes'

You started the conversation and your partner said 'yes'! Maybe they've secretly been fantasizing about it for a while… or maybe they're not sure if they'll like it, but they're willing to try. This is the ideal outcome of the conversation, but that doesn't mean the conversation is over! Make sure communication channels remain open as you explore the possibilities.

Expectations are not reality, and it may be that one or both of you discover that this new sexual activity is not for you. It even happens sometimes that Jamie persuades Kim to try something, and Jamie then finds out they don't really like it after all, while Kim is completely into it and wants more! Whether you're the one who brought up the idea or the one who said 'yes', it's perfectly okay. If your feelings change after trying it. Maybe you found it exciting in your fantasy, but not so great in reality. Or maybe you need to try a different approach, different circumstances.

It's perfectly fine to have different feelings than you expected, or to have to discuss things again or make adjustments. That happens all the time. It can help to talk to others who have also experienced this: "Our first attempt at polyamory was a disaster" or "That sex swing we bought was so uncomfortable" are stories many people recognize.

Whatever happens, stay flexible and listen to each other, and have sexy fun together!

6. Respond to their 'No'

Even though you've prepared for it, your partner might say 'no'.

A 'no' can mean anything from 'no, never' to 'I don't know if I want to try that'. Anything that isn't a 'yes' should be considered a 'no', at least for now. You can always ask them if they change their mind, or ask if it's okay to bring it up again in six months and see what they think. However, the conversation doesn't end with a 'no'! Hopefully, they said 'no' without judging you or shaming you for your desires, and you responded without guilt-tripping them or pressuring them. If not, it's probably wise to take a step back and work on those issues first before resuming the conversation about sex. If you try to conduct it with shame, guilt, pressure, and judgment as guides, it can create serious pain and distance instead of bringing you closer.

If you are able to communicate with mutual respect, the first question you might ask yourself is whether there are compromises possible that work for both of you. Go back to point 4 and discuss what you both want sexually. Many partners find a compromise solution that truly makes both of them happy. Sometimes, however, no compromise is possible – your desires differ too much. If this is something you wanted to try but isn't essential to you, then that's the end of the story. As long as your sexual needs are generally being met, not being able to try something you liked is one of those compromises in a relationship that we all sometimes have to live with.

If you've concluded that you must pursue this sexual interest to be sexually satisfied, you may need to end or restructure your relationship. The idea of ending a relationship due to sexual incompatibility is scary and carries its own kind of stigma. Many friends and family will blame the person who left for their sexual needs not being met.

Personally, I believe it's healthier to break up than to remain frustrated and unfulfilled for years. So, if letting go of this desire feels like that, a separation might be worth considering. Opening up the relationship or maintaining a platonic relationship (usually, but not always, so you can continue to raise children together) are options that don't involve a complete break and work very well for some couples with sexual incompatibility.

Returning to point 3: if your partner is financially or otherwise dependent on you for physical needs, you need to try to figure out how to continue supporting them or help them find other sources of support. Otherwise, they may give in and agree to what you want because they feel powerless and afraid – and that's not what either of you wants. It will probably take some time – weeks, months, sometimes years – to find the solution that is best for both of you.

Staying respectful and kind to each other is the best way to ensure a good outcome, even if that outcome is separation. Remember that conflicting sexual desires don't mean that one of you is doing something wrong.

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Note from Simone: in a world that tells us our desires are shameful, it is courageous to assert our right to feel what we feel. Opening up and sharing your desires with your partner is even more courageous!

If both partners approach it with mutual respect, the honesty and vulnerability of such a conversation can be great for your relationship – no matter what happens.

If this article has helped you, you can even start the conversation by asking your partner to read it, so you are both on the same page.

Whether your desires align or are completely different, you can talk about them together without creating shame or guilt for either of you. Instead, you can work as a team towards a sex life that makes both of you happy and brings you closer – and that's what sex in a relationship is all about!