The chemistry is there, the kissing is passionate, but if you go below the belt... your partner can't get hard. You're both nervous and a little embarrassed, and you wonder... is it you? Is it nerves? How can you help your partner get hard and stay hard next time?

Let's set the scene.

It's Saturday night and you've finally cracked open that expensive bottle of Chardonnay, slipped into your new sheer black lingerie, and cranked up the volume on that steamy Spotify playlist. Your partner is there, and you feel seductively sexy as you climb onto their body. Nothing can break your confidence tonight.

As you unzip your partner's jeans, you discover to your horror that they're not as aroused as you thought (physically, even though they're incredibly enthusiastic). In fact, they're not hard at all, even though everything seemed to be going way above the belt.

Your partner's face turns red, and you roll away, surprised and embarrassed. Your confident, sex-goddess-like prowess is shattered, and the next day you wonder why their boxers haven't turned into a flannel tent.

What Does It Mean When a Man Can't Get an Erection?

I've had my share of awkward bedroom mishaps, from stained sheets after a failed anal encounter to a screaming queef, and yes, even instances where my partner indicated they were totally up for playing, and yet their penis was down too, but in an unfortunate literal way.

Initially, these incidents can shake our egos and make us doubt our own expressive sexuality. We may internalize it—wondering if it's something we did (or didn't do), if we came across too strong (or not strong enough), or if our partner simply didn't like it.

It's not that you're not a rock star in the bedroom. Contrary to the prevailing belief that men think about or crave sex constantly, people with penises have intertwined physical, mental, and emotional responses that influence their body chemistry (whether it's stress, nerves, or too much drinking!).

In reality, there's no reason to dwell on the stiff cock, because ninety-nine percent of the time, the status of their dick has nothing to do with you. This might be the real problem.

1. They are nervous

It's not that you're not sexy enough to get him going—it could also be that you're so sexy that it makes him nervous. Performance anxiety is one of the biggest causes of erectile dysfunction. As WebMD notes,

In men, one of the effects of stress hormones is to constrict blood vessels. Less blood flowing to the penis makes it harder to get an erection. Even men who normally have no trouble getting aroused can no longer get an erection when they are overcome by sexual performance anxiety.

Essentially, your partner has gotten so worked up about your upcoming debut that they're choking on stage. They might be worried about their size, afraid their moves won't impress you, or even afraid they won't get an erection—thus realizing their fear! An underlying fear, lack of self-confidence, or shame might have temporarily hidden their penis.

2. They drank too much alcohol

Alcohol is an ironic little elixir that gives us the courage and lowered inhibitions to seduce a potential partner, then immediately destroys the possibility of turning our fantasies into reality. Often referred to as "whiskey dick," if your date drinks too much, the aphrodisiac can be their downfall. As noted by Livestrong, when someone gets a hard-on, "their penis fills with blood and the blood vessels close, preventing backflow, so the penis stays erect." Yet, a night of heavy drinking prevents those blood vessels from closing, resulting in a flaccid penis.

3. They use certain medications

Antidepressants can improve a person's mood, but unfortunately, they can also decrease libido, suppress erections, or delay or prevent orgasm. Besides SSRIs, there are many medications (even over-the-counter ones like antihistamines) that can cause impotence. Even nicotine could be the culprit!

4. They are stressed

The mind and body are interconnected, so if your partner is consumed by work problems, stress, or financial difficulties, they may lose the ability to achieve or maintain an erection. For some, the extra adrenaline can rev up their libido, but for many, stress lowers it and can suppress erections. Stress releases cortisol and raises blood pressure and cholesterol, all of which can contribute to erectile dysfunction.

5. They're just not in the mood

As mentioned, men aren't sex-hungry; despite the stereotype. Sometimes men—just like women—are just not horny. We're so used to this archaic idea that men are ready and willing to have sex every second of the day, but that's simply not the case. He's human, too, and his libido varies in intensity. This has nothing to do with your own sexuality—it's just how nature works, and we all have days when we're more aroused than others, no matter how attracted we are to our partner.

What to do when your partner can't get an erection

The best way to approach a limp penis is with understanding. Don't overstate the issue or take it personally; simply let your partner know it's okay and ask what you can do to help. If they're nervous, you can have an open conversation about what you both enjoy and focus on activities that excite you both, temporarily putting penetration off the table when you're more comfortable. If they're stressed, they might need some time to relax and approach them when they're feeling better. They might want to talk to their doctor about medication, get their testosterone levels checked, or simply wait until they've had less to drink.

In the meantime, you can still have fun together. Whether you enjoy kissing, grinding on each other, or exploring an erotic massage, there are so many activities besides penetration that can excite and arouse you, perhaps even more than penetration. It can be very hot for your partner to watch you come, or you can try using a powerful vibrator on your partner, or between you! You can even try using a couples toy that gives you both pleasure simultaneously.

Or you could just let it go completely and save the sexy occasion for another night. As one Jezebel interviewee put it, it's wise to keep it casual. Saying, "'Sorry, that really sucks, but don't let it bother you. We'll try again later,' would be [an] ideal response." It's not your or your partner's fault (neither of you has control over biology), so there's no need to stress about it—just save sex for another day, when the circumstances are right!