Many people believe that sex has only one purpose: to have children.

If a sexual act cannot produce children, it is not sex. The reality, however, is that, just as people are more than their body parts, sex is more than just a means of reproduction. Yet, most people assume that the word "sex" refers to penetration. However, it wasn't always so narrowly defined. Phillips and Reay argue: "In the second half of the eighteenth century, intercourse became increasingly important, a shift toward a penetrative sexual culture. References to kissing, mutual caressing, and touching suggest that many unmarried couples may have confined their sexuality within that framework, and that intercourse did not play the central role in people's desires that it does in modern sexual cultures."

And it wasn't only the ancient world that recognized sex as more than just a means of procreation. After writing her groundbreaking study of female sexuality, "The Hite Report," in 1976, Shere Hite advocated for a redefinition of sex. Women were using the pill for the first time, meaning that sex and reproduction were no longer mutually exclusive. Hite saw this as a transitional period, a period in which the rules were still being established, offering an opportunity to rethink traditional definitions of sex. "Although we tend to think of 'sex' as one fixed pattern, one set of behaviors (essentially reproductive activity), we need not limit ourselves in this way." (p. 365, The Hite Report, 1976) Few people listened to her, however. To this day, sex is still broadly defined as "penis-in-vagina" activity, preventing many women from describing the sex they have in their fantasies as "sex."

The risk

An inaccurate definition of sex controls everyone's sexuality, stifling sexual freedom and open dialogue. Many respondents to the Garden of Desires survey felt limited by this. "I found the framing of 'sexual' fantasies and fantasies during sex somewhat challenging, as many of my fantasies (and much of my 'sex life,' for lack of a better word) are sadomasochistic and not explicitly sexual. I often fantasize about spanking without orgasm or genital contact. Sex in the sense of fucking (fingers, penis, fist) or oral sex is usually only one element (and often absent) from my fantasies and sex life." Our current definition not only restricts sex to 'regular' heterosexuals and excludes anyone who prefers non-reproductive sex, but also classifies the 70-75 percent of women who struggle to achieve orgasm during penetrative sex as sexually 'dysfunctional'—regardless of whether they feel that way. This is demonstrated by a 2008 study which found that "women with inhibited sexual desire fantasized less during foreplay, intercourse, masturbation, and general daydreaming than controls… The women with inhibited sexual desire did not masturbate less often or have fewer orgasms from masturbation than controls. The women with inhibited sexual desire had fewer orgasms from penetrative intercourse alone."¹⁶ Despite the fact that these women were able to achieve orgasm from masturbation, they were labeled as having "inhibited sexual desire" because they did not achieve orgasm from penetrative intercourse alone.

This illustrates how labeling can negatively impact sexuality. Women are labeled as dysfunctional, when the label that should actually be changed is that of sex itself.

The solution

We need to let go of outdated prejudices about sex, start talking about it honestly, and create new definitions that allow everyone's sexuality to flourish. Instead of considering someone abnormal because they desire non-procreative sex (or non-penetrative sex in general), we could see sex as a reflection of someone's personality, regardless of the form it takes. Instead of labeling some forms of sex as "normal" and others as "abnormal," we could see sex as a communication between all parties that, like a conversation, can go in any direction the participants desire.

Meg Barker says: "Psychiatrist Chess Denham argues that we currently distinguish between sexual activities based on whether they are transgressive or not. Activities that violate current societal norms are often ridiculed, considered mentally unhealthy, or even punished. She suggests that we could distinguish between activities based on whether they are coercive or not. Is someone being forced to do something against their will or to which they cannot consent (for example, children or adults under the influence of drugs)? If so, it should be prohibited. If not, the decision really rests with the individuals involved."