Local filmmaker Jack Neo, golfer Tiger Woods, and English footballers Ashley Cole and John Terry recently made headlines after their extramarital affairs were made public. Those four may have been caught red-handed. But what about all those other ordinary men who secretly have fun without ever being caught?

The University of Chicago's General Social Survey regularly finds that 20 percent of men will cheat in their lifetime, compared to 12 percent of women. Think of that attractive coworker, that flirty store clerk, or that busty neighbor: she's fun, easy to talk to, and she understands you on so many levels. The problem is, she's not your partner. You might see your daily flirtation with another woman as a harmless pick-me-up, but it can escalate into an emotional affair fraught with risks, says Shirley Glass, PhD, a licensed psychologist and relationship therapist (remember the rabbit scene in Fatal Attraction?).

Besides the risk of getting caught up with a potential psychopath, there's also significant danger in sharing emotional intimacies previously reserved for your partner. This can drive a wedge in your marriage, says Glass. As secrecy increases, so does sexual attraction—and the likelihood of hotel reservations. We'll discuss some of the reasons men use to justify their infidelity—and explore the deeper issues that lie beneath.

“I didn't feel like she appreciated me at all.”

THE PROBLEM: LOW SELF-ESTEEM

"There are psychological links to certain cases of infidelity," says Dr. Nelson Lee, medical director of the Psychological Wellness Center and a member of the Men's Health Advisory Board. "What we see in some patients is an underlying depressive disorder, which in turn can trigger infidelity. Depression often involves a decline in self-confidence, and some men resort to sexual advances to cope with their lowered self-esteem."

However, he emphasizes that such factors are not concrete reasons to justify infidelity and recommends consulting a psychologist to address deep-seated issues. Gary Lewandowski, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Monmouth University in the US, adds that we need partners who positively challenge us and thus boost our self-confidence. "We seek relationships that make us better people," he says, "and we seek partners who can help us improve ourselves."

So try to challenge each other. Ask her to compensate for your weaknesses by teaching you something—like how to make that delicious laksa. Or make plans for the future: buy tickets to a play you've both never heard of. Or book a budget flight to a destination you've never been to. Such actions ensure you keep stimulating each other in the right way—and you always will.

“All my friends are doing it, so why shouldn't I?”

THE PROBLEM: TUNNEL VISION

Dr. Martha Lee, clinical sexologist and Men's Health advisory board member, says that in Asian cultures in particular, people are regularly exposed to concepts like polygamy and patriarchal systems, where the father or eldest male is the head of the household, exercises authority over women and children, and is expected to carry on the family name.

"Today's wealthy men take mistresses and justify their actions with reasons like the desire to protect the woman or the need to continue the bloodline," she says. "Regardless of the reasons, the fact is that men cheat because they can—and consciously and deliberately choose to do so. There is always a choice."

For many men, cheating is simply a decision—one with its own costs and benefits. They think: How do the losses compare to the gains? The answer is simple: at most, you gain a short-term affair, and you have more to lose now and in the future (lifetime alimony, anyone?). Once you understand the risks, stay home, says relationship therapist M. Gary Neuman. He found that more than half of the cheaters he interviewed spent a lot of time away from home before having an affair. So, when you're home, do this: Confront your partner and admit something's wrong. "Say to her, 'I look around and I shouldn't be doing that,'" says Neuman. "Then figure out together what you can do to improve the relationship. Saving your marriage will push thoughts of cheating away."

“I JUST CAN’T COMMUNICATE WITH MY WIFE ANYMORE.”

THE PROBLEM: NEGATIVITY

Want to know how likely you are to cheat? Then count how often you snap at each other and how often you smile. Elizabeth Allen, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Colorado in the US, studied communication between partners who were about to get married. She found that couples with a lower ratio of positive to negative behaviors were more likely to cheat in the early years of their marriage. Positive interactions included eye contact, nodding, and smiling; negative interactions included frowning, eye-rolling, and expressing disdain.

It wasn't that these partners didn't like each other; at the time, they probably thought they were going to live happily ever after. But later, the partners who didn't cheat turned out to have had far more positive interactions before marriage than those who did. "The more positive you are, the more protected you seem to be from future risk," says Allen.

So improve your relationship by minimizing criticism and defensiveness, says Allen. Even if you're not feeling well, try to increase your positivity and look for solutions together, and look for things you can agree on. If you find yourself in an argument, acknowledge her point of view and try to find a compromise. The more you do this, the more often she will do it too—and the happier you'll both be.

“THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AROUND ME – I CAN’T HOLD MYSELF BACK.”

THE PROBLEM: LACK OF TRUTH

When men are surrounded by what researchers call "attractive alternatives" in social situations, they often let their guard down too much. "San Francisco-based psychotherapist Jack Morin developed this 'erotic equation' in his book 'The Erotic Mind': attraction plus obstacles leads to arousal," says Dr. Martha Lee. "Being unfaithful or having an extramarital affair, especially with an attractive person, is certainly arousing because of the obstacles, including the risk of being discovered."

Barry McCarthy, PhD, author of Getting It Right The First Time: Creating A Healthy Marriage, adds: "Instead of saying, 'I would never cheat,' be honest and look at what makes you vulnerable." Then try to make a big deal about it to reduce the chances of it happening.

According to researchers at McGill University in Canada, women strive to protect their relationships. They use "if-then" scenarios—"If he comes over, I'll excuse myself to get a drink"—that activate automatic defense mechanisms when they see an attractive alternative approaching. So learn from her and develop your own "if-then" plan: "If she comes over, I'll go to the bathroom." When men do this before entering a situation with potential "other women," they're better able to recognize and deflect threats.