How to introduce BDSM into your sex life
There are many misconceptions about this form of sexual play, but once you understand that it's really about pleasure, you may want to add it to your sexual repertoire.
The '50 Shades of Grey' film and book series brought BDSM into the mainstream, but do you actually know what the term means?
BDSM stands for Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, and Sadism-Masochism. BDSM refers to any sexual act involving dominance, submission, and control, and a mutually agreed-upon exchange of power. BDSM is sometimes also called "kink." According to Erin Chen, sex therapist and founder of Gilly, an intimacy wellness app for couples with children, kink is a broad term for sex that is considered "non-traditional" (for most people, traditional sex is likely intercourse between two monogamous partners). Kink, therefore, describes a broad spectrum of sexual activities and experiences that may, but not necessarily, involve power dynamics.
What does BDSM entail?
BDSM isn't so much about the sexual acts themselves, but about the shared experience of pleasure – for yourself and your partner, Erin emphasizes.
Pleasure can come from letting go or taking control, from certain physical sensations, from certain emotional responses, and so on. It can also stem from the careful planning and preparation of a BDSM session. What brings pleasure is as individual as the people involved. It's a judgment-free space, and there's a wide and diverse spectrum of experiences. Consent and trust are essential for a healthy and positive BDSM experience.
Misconceptions about BDSM
Many people assume that BDSM can be harmful. Erin, for example, says there's a persistent idea that people who practice BDSM are perverted or mentally disturbed. This is largely due to the widespread shame and taboos surrounding sexuality that currently exist in our society. However, research shows that a healthy BDSM lifestyle does not cause, nor is it caused by, mental illness. In fact, a study from the Netherlands found that BDSM practitioners didn't necessarily appear to have more problems than the general population. They were more outgoing, more open to new experiences, and more conscientious than participants who didn't practice BDSM. They were also less neurotic, a personality trait characterized by anxiety.
"In general, I find that people who practice healthy BDSM are much more self-aware and are excellent communicators," Erin explains. "That makes sense, as these are crucial skills for understanding and articulating your preferences, and having constructive conversations with your partner. These skills are also essential for maintaining continuous communication throughout the sexual experience, so both partners can enjoy it."
Is BDSM something for you and your partner?
It depends on which experiences give you pleasure. Ask yourself: "What do I find sexually enjoyable and exciting?" A good place to start is your sexual fantasies. As you fantasize, pay attention to what turns you on. Is it the feeling of relinquishing control? Is it the tension? Is it the feeling of being powerful? Is there dialogue in your fantasy, and if so, what is said? And in what tone? These are all clues to what you can incorporate into your actual BDSM experience.
So, for example, if you get excited by thrills, then maybe trying being blindfolded in your sex life would be an idea.
How do you bring up BDSM with your partner, especially if you're worried they'll judge you? You could say you've read about it and are curious to explore it together, says Erin. Be open about your nervousness about even bringing it up, unsure if they'll be open to it or if they'll judge you. Then see where the conversation goes. Listen to what your partner has to say and make a choice together, or agree to continue the conversation another day.
Tips for a positive BDSM experience
1. Build a foundation of trust.
Before you even start BDSM, Erin recommends talking to your partner about sex. Discuss what feels good and what doesn't. If you can't do this easily, you probably don't have enough trust and confidence to experiment safely and enjoyably with BDSM. "Remember, the goal is for both partners to have fun," says Erin. "It won't work if one of you is hesitant or shy. You can't just impose BDSM on someone and assume they'll like it."
2. Discover your limits
Once you've both decided that BDSM is something you want to explore together, discuss your boundaries. This means coming to a mutual understanding that while you can set boundaries upfront, they can change during your sexual play. For example, you might agree on signals, such as safe words or gestures, to indicate that you want to withdraw consent. And keep talking to each other as you experiment. Communication is key—learn to recognize your partner's signals and be honest about what you do and don't want. (Check out the free "Give and Receive" game at www.getgilly.com, an exercise to practice this kind of communication.)
3. Do some reading (at least a little).
If you're serious about experimenting with BDSM, Erin recommends working through the workbook "Authentic Kink: Create Your Best Experience" with your partner, available on Amazon. It will help you, among other things, with important conversations to create a healthy and pleasurable experience.
4. Talk about it and plan your action
Describe the experience you want to create. Once you have an idea, you can talk about props, like a blindfold, a long feather, or even a spatula. "Sometimes it's the careful planning and selection of props that brings pleasure to the person in power in a BDSM experience," says Erin.
5. Take time for aftercare.
Aftercare is important once you've finished sexual play. This varies from couple to couple, depending on their needs and desires. Some partners might cuddle for a few minutes, while others might want a moment alone. Some might ask their partner for a back massage, others for a cup of tea. "Use this time to discuss how you felt during and after your play session, so you can continue to learn how to please each other and enjoy the pleasure together," says Erin.
