We all get stuck in a relationship rut. Our sex lives go from tearing each other's clothes off at every opportunity to making excuses why we can't do it (again) tonight. The truth is, it's pretty normal to expect a slight decrease in sexual desire, but it only becomes a problem when a couple's libidos are no longer balanced.
After three years of marriage, my husband, James, and I had fallen victim to the same old bedroom routine. Our sex wasn't as exciting anymore, and when we did have sex, missionary was the only thing on the menu. He got used to asking for it daily. I got used to rejecting him almost daily. When I finally said yes, the surprise on his face told me he was only asking to gain the upper hand if I said no!
I wish my husband had an affair
His favorite line was, "You used to be fun," and my response was always, "I never was fun." And although this joke was always said jokingly, it made me melt inside when I thought about the sorry state of our sex life. Honestly, I wasn't "fun," I just cared more about his sexual pleasure—giving him a blowjob in the bar restroom wasn't my idea of fun back then either, but I did it anyway because I was trying to impress. But who did I have to impress now?
And it was this mentality that made me feel worse about where we stood in our relationship. We weren't putting in any effort for each other, and I didn't want to put in any effort either. That said, I still wanted sex... but not necessarily with him.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't planning on having an affair—although I'd resigned myself to the fact that he probably wanted one. He'd go out with his friends in the evenings, and I hoped he'd have sex and therefore wouldn't want it from me. I was happy when he went out, because I was giving myself the sexual pleasure I'd denied him until now.
Our relationship continued like this for a while and when James got a new job that required him to work outside the home, we weren't worried about now being in a long-distance relationship.
The sex toy that made me fall in love with my husband
During one of his first trips, I decided I needed to step up my masturbation efforts. With the choice of vibrators, dildos, and all sorts of other unfamiliar things, I wasn't sure which sex toy would suit me best, so I closed my eyes and took a chance.
The box arrived, and after the usual giggles you'd expect from a sex toy novice, I finally used it as intended. To say it changed my world is an understatement! I chose the Pro Wand Massager Red by Caresse , and honestly, my legs were shaking and my insides were melting like I'd never experienced before. It stimulated my clitoris in such a way that it was a total game-changer.
But it wasn't just the obvious physical effect it had on me; it also began to affect me in ways I'd never anticipated. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, the silicone toy between my legs had made me miss the connected pleasure I'd been denying. It made me realize that sex could be good. It reminded me that our sex life was good. And it made me wonder why I didn't crave it anymore in the first place.
When James came home during one of his weeks off, I'd set the tone for a naughty weekend like never before. I had the candles lit, the chocolate sauce (I know, old-fashioned!), and my vibrator prominently displayed in my sexy outfit. On the way home from the airport, I could barely contain my excitement and shuffled to hide my sexy lingerie under my stereotypical trench coat. James was pleasantly surprised by my renewed enthusiasm, though a little nervous.
But just five minutes from home, doubt struck. What if he'd already ended the relationship? What if he rejected me? Would he be offended, instead of excited, that I'd bought a sex toy?
We walked inside, and I had to tell him (read: warn him!) about my new boyfriend. My rambling explanation began with an "uh" and an "ah" and a glance at the floor, followed by mumbling about toys and how they're sexual aids, not replacements. The confused look on James's face vanished when he glanced over my shoulder to see how I was wired.
In a typical romantic comedy, he kissed me deeply mid-sentence and opened my jacket, elated but also surprised that his hopes were coming true. I'll spare you the details, but I can safely say he had just as much fun with my new toy as I did.
“See, I knew you were hot,” he said when we finally recovered from the most intense sex of my life.
And that one toy was the key to getting our groove back. Inviting a boyfriend or girlfriend into the bedroom made our stagnant sex life much more exciting. It made us more open to experimentation. We had more time to explore each other's bodies.
How Using Sex Toys Saved My Marriage
The next time James went to work, I felt an unprecedented pain, and the sadness I felt when he left made me happy that we were back on track, but also sad that we had been so far apart for so long.
But James wasn't willing to wait until his next week off before we could be intimate again. A week later, a package arrived with a (much larger) companion for my little friend. I texted him to let him know I'd received his package, and in an unexpected and completely unusual move, he told me to wait until that night for his "instructions." He'd bought me a new toy and invested in a unique toy he could also play with.
As the months passed, our sex life reached new heights, even though we'd developed a new routine: James would go back to work, and I'd get a new toy, a new outfit, or something else I'd never seen before, and I'd wait for his instructions. We even found long-distance sex toys, which meant I didn't have to do anything myself—James could control them remotely!
But it was more than that. We had great sex, that was for sure, but we were more emotionally connected. Our interactions became more meaningful, and instead of just doing things, we actually communicated on a level that made us both realize what we'd been missing.
About six months into our new-style long-distance relationship, James came home, and I was looking forward to another week of real-life sexual fantasies. But this time, it was different. James kissed me at the airport in a way I hadn't felt since our first few months of dating. It was passionate and sexy. And it was a theme that continued throughout the week. That week, we didn't use our "helpers." I didn't wear my nurse's uniform. We didn't use expensive lubricants. We simply appreciated each other for who we were. And it was phenomenal.
Our relationship has only grown stronger since then. The long distance gave us the chance to miss each other. Sexual experimentation showed us what we'd been missing.
